Being a student at UCD has really opened my eyes to a lot of experiences and subjects to learn from. My greatest interest has been learning about social injustices and advocating for those who have been affected by violence. I have been involved in many environmental justice groups off and on campus and have also been involved with any social justice groups on campus. Combining my skill in arts and writing with my activist interests has been life changing and has helped me bridge and engage with different communities. I believe there is something special and empowering when you combine art as a form to voice social injustices. Through out my college years I’ve been involved with the Women’s Resource and Research Center on campus and they have helped me connect with non-profits organizations and communities that I would like to work in. I am currently pursuing a career in a non-profit that helps empower those who have been affected by gender violence by advocating for them and giving them a voice so they no longer have to be in silence.
Edy Campos Art
VALERIA’S STORY: RAPE CULTURE THROUGH HER EYES
Rape culture is the normalized view of women as objects to be desired and acted on by male fantasy. I will be discussing the topic of rape culture, sexual assault and victim blaming in our everyday society through an informal interview. The interview will try to highlight the topic of the social treatment that survivors get after their assault and coming out as survivors. Furthermore, this will also underline any treatment survivors often receive after they confide their story to someone who is a friend, family or authorities. I want to emphasize how many survivors are made to feel ashamed for their experiences and made to feel as though they are not adequate to take part in certain activities or jobs and therefore unable to live fulfilling lives.
With this interview I will try to highlight and point out how specific words and reactions to a survivor’s story can be harmful by answering questions in the point of view of someone who does not identify as survivor. The interview will also bring up cases from UC Davis, other college campus and Central America in order to show how society treats sexual assault and how it debilitates survivors in different parts of society. I want to highlight how society reacts to rape culture and survivors but also to show the recent trend of protests against sexual assault. The interview will show how one can even shame oneself because of how society has made survivors of assault believe that they are at fault; it will show how a person is changed by the experience but not into an inadequate self but into a stronger self.
** The person being interviewed is a real female UC Davis student, who chose to keep their name private and any other detail that would give away their identity. This interview is more so a retelling of their story– testimony of how they, as a UCD student, dealt with rape culture. Stylistically, the interviewee- using a pseudonym- is interviewing their self and retelling their own real life experience in both a survivor point of view and a non-identifying survivor. I will use different labels to differentiate both identities by using Mindful Valeria to show the survivor point of view and Less mindful Valeria to show the non-survivor point of view. This style is an intentional form to show different perspectives of a survivor’s journey, and reveal the reflective mental processes of a survivor.
Initially, this interview stemmed from a conversation not intended for academic purposes; Valeria gave me permission to use part of our conversation in a format that would educate all those reading this piece about rape culture. With their discretion, guidance, and permission, I was able to use quotes and events specific to this person and any similarities are coincidental.
Less Mindful Valeria: We’re here to try and discuss a few topics relating to what again?
Mindful Valeria: Correct, we’re going to discuss a few things about sexual assault, and rape culture in our society and reflect on how they affect survivors.
Less Mindful Valeria: Well, I am not too sure how to address this specific topic. I just don’t feel like we should talk about a topic that can raise a lot of negative comments. I don’t feel safe talking about it.
Mindful Valeria: Well I believe that when discussing sexual assault and rape advocacy, we need to address rape culture. I am interested to know your point of view as well. Just to make it clear, we are the same person, so we ARE going to discuss this.
Less Mindful Valeria: Right… So we’re the same person but we view things differently. Is that possible?
Mindful Valeria: I think we can be the same person but express different sides; especially if society has influenced how we should express certain beliefs in our lives. I for one believe that society has a rape culture problem. I am a survivor of rape and sexual assault so this issue is personal to me. Rape culture is something that I try to educate people about, by educating them on how rape culture affects sexual assault and rape incidents.
Less Mindful Valeria: I guess I don’t quite understand how rape culture affects rape and sexual assault incidents because I am not a victim of rape or assault. What does rape and sexual assault reallymean? Is there a difference?
Mindful Valeria: I’m glad you asked that; a lot of people walk around with different definitions of rape in their head. Rape is defined as sexual contact or penetration achieved: without consent, with use of physical force, coercion, deception, threat, and/or when the victim is: mentally incapacitated or impaired, physically impaired (due to voluntary or involuntary alcohol or drug consumption), asleep or unconscious. Sexual assault is more of an umbrella term that categorizes any unwanted sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the recipient. Sexual contact and behaviors that fall under this umbrella are: rape, forcible sodomy, child molestation, forcible sexual acts like oral sex, penetration of the body with foreign objects, and fondling or unwanted touch.
Less Mindful Valeria: Ok, so if you’re a victim of this violence, how do you go about reporting it?
Mindful Valeria: Well, it really isn’t that easy. In fact, most of the time, survivors do not report their attack.
Less Mindful Valeria: WHY NOT?! It’s seems pretty self-explanatory to just report it… Right?
Mindful Valeria: Like I said, its not that easy. It’s a really traumatic experience so survivors have a hard time coping with the fact that this event even happened to them. A lot of the time, the first response one employs is shame. This is consumes victims to the point where these feelings prevent some folks from coming out. Another point is that when someone does report the crime, it often becomes a re-traumatizing event and it sucks when there is no fair outcome.
Less Mindful Valeria: That doesn’t make sense. How hard is it to just report a crime and get justice. If you say this happened to you and you have evidence, then there should be some positive conclusion.
Mindful Valeria: Well like I keep saying, it’s easier said than done.
Less Mindful Valeria: Does it have to do with “rape culture”?
Mindful Valeria: Yes, in fact, it does have a lot to do with it. Survivors are victim blamed so it makes it harder to report. Society teaches how to stay safe and not get raped. You don’t really see folks educating “Don’t rape” and what consent really means. Women in general are told they need to protect themselves from getting raped. Another thing is that society perpetuates the idea that rapists are men who hide behind bushes and attack you. But rapists can be anyone, even a friend.
Yes, the world is a dangerous place, Valeria. At the Guatemala and Mexico border, Central American women get raped at an alarming rate when they cross over to Mexico. It’s become frequent enough that they tell these women to take birth control before immigrating just incase they get raped. There is little investigation that is being done on border crimes, and unfortunately, rape is at the bottom of the list. Sometimes rapes aren’t thoroughly investigated and survivors find a way to be heard; they get their story to reach a public platform and their stories inform us about attackers. One that comes to mind is the protest/art performance done by Emma Sulkowicz called “Carry that Weight.” Her work protests her university’s lack of investigation of her assault by carrying the mattress in which she was assaulted. It takes a lot of guts to come forward with your story because are susceptible to feeling vulnerable once again.
Less Mindful Valeria: Ok, so as a victim, what was your experience like? Were you happy with your conclusion?
Mindful Valeria: Yes, I’m a survivor and I find it hard to usually talk about my experience. I believe that when someone tells you that they’re a survivor, it’s pretty harsh and disrespectful to ask them straightforward about their story.
Less Mindful Valeria: Sorry, like I said, I’m really new to discussing this topic. How would you approach a victim about their story?
Mindful Valeria: I don’t believe there’s one sure way. Every survivor is different and only they can say how comfortable they are to tell their story. I would suggest really not asking about it but to acknowledge that they came to you with something very personal to them and let the person decide if they should tell you or not. A survivor usually feels like they have lost power in their life and they need to feel like they matter and have control over something personal. Their story is valuable and they should be able to choose whether to share their testimony and with whom they want to share it with.
I will share my story with you because I find resilience in telling my story, although I have worked a lot to come to this point in my life. I have actually been through a couple traumatizing events in my life so far, but I will share only one with you because it’s the one that I feel I can recall the most, and the experience that I grew from the most in this past year. This event happened about a year ago in February of 2014. I was out with some friends celebrating my birthday and we went out dancing. We spent most of the time in Davis downtown where I had a lot to drink.
Less Mindful Valeria: Were you aware of how much you were drinking?
Mindful Valeria: Yes, I drank a lot, and yes I was aware what I was drinking and how much I was drinking.
Less Mindful Valeria: Do you typically drink a lot when you go out?
Mindful Valeria: No, like I said, it was my birthday so friends were buying me drinks.
Less Mindful Valeria: Do you often go out to bars and clubs?
Mindful Valeria: Eh, not exactly. Can I get back to my story?
Less Mindful Valeria: Oh, right. Yes, of course.
Mindful Valeria: So by the end of the night I was drunk from all that I had drank. It was around 2:00am and a friend called her boyfriend to drive us back to my apartment. I remember everything: from getting into the car and then her boyfriend driving us to my place. Once I got to my apartment, things went a bit fuzzy. I knew I was in my living room, but I wasn’t sure where anyone was, especially my friend Sara. She lived down the street from me, so I decided to go look for her, and on my way I came across a few guys. One of them I remember talking to. He asked what I was doing out and walking so late at night. I told him I had just come back from partying. I asked what he was doing and what his name was. He introduced himself as “Chris” and said he was out with some friends. He asked me if I was alone. I replied, yes but I was looking for my friend. He said that I shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of the night. I had lost track of time but I told him that I’d go back to my apartment. He asked if he could walk me home so I wouldn’t be alone, I said sure. At this point he asked his other friend to join us who coincidently said his name was “Chris”: I will refer to him as “Chris”#2. We made small talk and once we got to my door things began to escalate a bit when “Chris”#2 asked to come in to use my restroom. I didn’t say anything but he let himself in because according to him, he really needed to go.
Less Mindful Valeria: Why did you let them come in so late at night? That’s just an invitation for danger.
Mindful Valeria: I was not cognizant enough to think about every outcome. Things did get pretty awful as I remember getting sandwiched in between the two males. I remember a lot of non-consensual touching and a lot of talking and hearing them giggle, and asking for condoms…
I was not alone so my roommates were able to identify them. It was hard for me to do so because I was intoxicated, this also meant I could not consent to what had happened. It turned out that neither one of them was named Chris so they had lied to me. I filed a report against them and the police would not take my report, as there was no physical evidence of any sexual violence. Any recollection I made was turned down because to them, I was too intoxicated to recollect anything. I turned to my roommates for help and support but they also began to doubt me. They blamed me for being too drunk to stop the guys from coming into our apartment and putting them in danger. They pushed me and my story away because of that. I decided to report the students to the university. After a long stressful process of questioning and investigating, the university found one to have probable cause and suspended him, while the other guy stayed in school. I had to deal with running into the second guy on campus. I repeatedly experienced flashbacks. I was angry. I felt powerless. I even began to regret reporting the incident because the outcome just made me feel worthless and re-traumatized.
Less Mindful Valeria: Yeah it sounds really traumatizing; I feel a bit uncomfortable just listening to it.
Mindful Valeria: YEAH, tell me about it. I was in the situation, so I know what uncomfortable is.
Less Mindful Valeria: Right. Well there are just a lot of questions that are running through my mind about your incident. I mean I just need to clarify a few things before I can comprehend it and believe it.
Mindful Valeria: Ok, but..
Less Mindful Valeria: Why did you leave your apartment in the first place, you were safe in your place and seemed to be getting ready to sleep? If you hadn’t left do you think this would have happened?
Mindful Valeria: No but..
Less Mindful Valeria: The likelihood of those guys coming into your place that late at night is probably slim. Why put yourself in danger by drinking so much? You know, because you were drunk it makes me wonder how true some of the things are, and if your memory is correct about what you are saying?
Mindful Valeria: I can see how it may be questionable but it’s my testimony of what I know is true.
Less Mindful Valeria: Yeah, but right now, it’s your word against theirs. And you reported it to the police?
Mindful Valeria: Yes, but they also didn’t believe me even though my housemates would have been able to testify. They believed it was just a misunderstanding of a hook up gone wrong.
Less Mindful Valeria: See? I think if you hadn’t been drinking or had gone to the bars, you would have been more believable or most likely not been in danger in the first place. When most women go to the bars, they usually have a motif to hook-up. I mean what were you even wearing that night?
Mindful Valeria: I was wearing a short skirt and a crop top but that’s not the point.
Less Mindful Valeria: Again. It’s just and invitation to most men to be able to touch and look at you in a sexual way, that’s just how they are. You may just have been looking to hook up and it didn’t go your way. I mean, why didn’t you fight them off. It is clearly the case that you wanted or liked some of it.
Mindful Valeria: I don’t think you get it. I was not asking for it, nor was I looking to hook up that night. I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I know I was drunk but I didn’t say yes to any of it. I didn’t go out that night wanting to be sexualized by men. I didn’t plan to leave my apartment and hook-up!
Less Mindful Valeria: Ok, why are you getting mad? I am just telling you that your story seems off.
Mindful Valeria: I am getting mad and offended because you don’t believe me. You think that just because I went out that night, had a lot to drink, and was wearing “provocative” attire, that it was ok with what happened – that I should have seen it coming; that even though I couldn’t fight back, that I wanted this to happen? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard. I did not consent and could not consent. You know, I have been ashamed to talk about it. I’ve felt really depressed because the police wouldn’t take my report… Because they didn’t believe me. Not to mention that my roommates hate me because they think I put them in danger by brining strangers into our apartment. I hate running into my attackers because no one has been able to believe me enough to get those guys prosecuted.
Less Mindful Valeria: Ok, I see what you’re saying; it’s a tough situation. If no one is going to believe you then why strain yourself? Just see pass it, let it go. I’m sorry this happened to you but life goes on. There’s worse things that could have happened and be glad you are here. These things happen all the time like you said.
Mindful Valeria: I don’t think I can just let it go and just get over it. Yes these kinds of things happen all the time and it’s very sad. It’s also sad because rape culture is making it normalized, people like you who respond in such a horrible way make it harder for survivors to come out and seek support.
Less Mindful Valeria: OK, I’m sorry, I did react pretty badly.
Mindful Valeria: Its not ok, I’m not ok with that apology. Why would you blame the victim and make them feel threatened, especially when they are being vulnerable with you? Who does that? Think about the questions you are asking. Have some compassion!
Less Mindful Valeria: I just had a hasty initial reaction to question you because of the amount of drinks you had, your attire, and the way you were seemingly flirty with them. It makes me wonder if your intent was to hook-up.
Mindful Valeria: That right, rape culture exists. Victim blaming exists. Not believing the survivor exists. So what if someone is wearing a short skirt, has a few drinks and is sexually active?! Why aren’t they allowed to do that? Everyone has the right to do any of those things safely and not be attacked. I could have been dancing naked in front of them, but that is not an invitation to sexually assault me if I don’t consent. Any decent person would not just assume consent based on attire and behavior. Many women have to fear for their life and limit themselves to what they can do just so they can feel safe. I know for me, I don’t like to wear short skirts anymore even though I think they’re cute. I can’t go downtown alone anymore because I’m scared of being attacked again or even worse, run into them again. It took me a while to get close to a guy and not feel threatened. It took me a lot of courage to finally have sex with my partner without having flashbacks.
Less Mindful Valeria: It sounds like you’re recovering.
Mindful Valeria: No, not really
Less Mindful Valeria: But you said you are having sex again.
Mindful Valeria: Yeah, but it’s still difficult for me, even though it never was before. I don’t feel normal and I feel ashamed of my story so I don’t tell it often, especially based on the past reactions that I’ve received. It hurts to have people say they don’t believe me, especially when they see how “happy” I am.
Less Mindful Valeria: So you’re saying life is hard for you?
Mindful Valeria: It is sometimes. I get flashbacks that lead to panic attacks a lot of the times. They are very draining, so sometimes, I call off work and or don’t go to class.
Less Mindful Valeria: Why do you still go to work and class if your panic attacks impede you to do well?
Mindful Valeria: Why not? I’m not going to let them stop me. For some people they may require longer breaks from work or school, but I don’t think that is for me. I needed to find something to do otherwise I’d perpetually feel depressed. I wanted to regain some control, take back my life and be successful like I always have been.
Less Mindful Valeria: Well, can you at least find work that better suits you and so panic attacks won’t get in the way too much.
Mindful Valeria: I don’t think it get in the way too much. My boss is understanding and supportive. I don’t see why I have to change my life and interests. I like my job and I think I’m good at it. I’m not going to stop pursuing my goals. Unless, I feel that my job is draining me, and it’s not suitable for me, then I will stop. I know deep down what is good for me and I will listen to that. So far I have. I have learned to listen to myself and use the tools that I gained from my experiences to become stronger.
Less Mindful Valeria: So there’s been a silver lining from this experience; you’ve grown.
Mindful Valeria: I think we have. Don’t you?
Less Mindful Valeria: Not sure, it’s questionable. I mean why are we doing this interview.
Mindful Valeria: I think you know we have grown. I think you know what I am talking about.
Less Mindful Valeria: I don’t know.
Mindful Valeria: I think you do but its ok if you don’t want to talk about it, I respect your decisions.
Less Mindful Valeria: You are right, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s in the past.
Mindful Valeria: Ok that’s fine; it should be on your time.
Less Mindful Valeria: Ok. So wait, does this make me a past version of you or just a non-survivor version of you? I’m confused how we are the same person.
Mindful Valeria: So, I think you can be either or both. I think you resemble me before I learned a lot about sexual assault. But I know you are still questioning past experiences and wondering what it all means to you. Even that you want to label yourself as a survivor. You might still even wonder if your recent assault is valid because the police wouldn’t take your report, people blamed you and you feel guilty for the blame that is wrongfully imposed on you.
Less Mindful Valeria: Yeah, you’re right.
Mindful Valeria: I know I am questioning my recent assault experience. I have doubts and it has a lot to do with how the reporting went and how society still says it’s my fault. Sometimes, I catch myself questioning myself whether I am really a survivor. Yet, I have never questioned another survivor. I have heard friends blame me as well and it hurts. It sucks that society makes you question you’re own story even though it’s valid. It sucks that you have to hide your story and experiences out of fear of being told you are to blame and deserve to be judged. It makes it harder for me to admit and accept what I have endured.
Less Mindful Valeria: I think I see what you mean.
Mindful Valeria: Yeah, it may seem a bit safer to hide your past, especially because of how society reacts. Through it all, only you know the truth of your story of your life and are responsible for validating it when no one else does. A conversation with yourself show strength and can lead to resilience.
Valeria: Yes, I am resilient.
**Although this was a conversation between Valeria and I, she herself also uses a lot of self-conversation and self-reflection to cope with her trauma. As a survivor, she feels this self-reflection, that in this work is formatted as an interview, is a in fact written in a way that she herself would talk with herself and use as a healing method to help her to cope with the victim blaming she receives. She wants more folks to know that they are NOT alone, and even with all of the noise that blaming creates, they and their stories are valued.